Recently as I was dealing with a disciplinary issue with my daughter, and feeling overwhelmed and a bit frustrated, I came to a conclusion. That depending on what gender I am, I may be harder on my child of that same gender. And the same goes for my husband. Why is that? Is it that I know what things a girl is capable of? That I remember clearly what I put my parents through? That I don't want my daughter to make the same mistakes? Because, as I went to my husband to 'back me up' on an issue, I realized he didn't see the incident to be as serious as I did. But, when the issue is concerning one of our sons, and I approach my husband, it is a different matter. I tend to tell him he is being to hard on the boys, and he may tell me I am being too hard on my daughter. Either way, we try and trust one another's intuition about the child in question.
I hate to use a word like manipulation where my children are concerned, but lets be real, children learn to manipulate as early as infancy. We are sinners from the very start and as parents I am sure you have seen your sweet little one try and pull one over on you, too. So, my question is this: Parents of both girls and boys, do you see this pattern, too? That you might also be a little tougher on the child of the same gender as you because you've been there and done that? Do you sometimes feel that your spouse is being to easy on the child of their opposite gender, because maybe they don't have a clue as to how that gender really works? I am curious to hear what you have to say on this issue.
OH, by the way, even if you and your spouse don't see eye to eye on a disciplinary issue, you better make sure that your child sees you as a united front at ALL TIMES. This not only gives them a sense of you and your spouse being a team, and ensures security for them, it will also ensure that you and your spouse will be on the same page and it won't cause friction between the 2 of you when it comes to matters of disciplining your children.
Well, back to the trenches of raising Godly warriors for Christ!
7 comments:
Good post, I think I'm tougher on the boys, but I think it's because they're older and they're paving the way for the girls in a way. I definitely think Dan is a little more easy going with Sonoma but she hasn't had any major offenses yet, ohh I'm sure they'll come. Although I'll refer to my situation with a certain son who seemed last week to be beyond defiant. Even though he knew it wasn't appropriate. Once he knew Daddy was dealing with it, the winds of change came. I agree 100% you HAVE to be on the same page with discipline otherwise you just end up in tug 'o war with your spouse, while your children sit on the floor with a bowl of popcorn and watch the show.
Maybe do it on a Satuday night ?:D (lol just kidding)
I know that I don't have children, but being a former nanny and being raised in a family of 5 kids, I definitely saw this happen a lot.
Chris and I were talking last night about how important it is, when we have children, to always be on each other's team. I believe that, even if you disagree with how one person is handling the child at that time, that the other spouse should back them up and then discuss it in private later. Kids will find a way to divide parents regarding this issue whenever they can. They see patterns.
Very wise post. I always love reading your thoughts.
hummm..now you made me wonder if I'm harder on Alisia cause of gender. I know I'm harder on her, but I always thought it was because she's older. I don't think Angel is harder on either, it mostly depends on his mood.
I do agree too though that we have to be united...I'm guilty of not always doing so...
but I can see the negative consequences of that, so I'm trying to turn that to over to God.
Yes, I do agree. I think I'm definitely harder on Shelby, especially, being that she is the oldest and reminds me of myself. Poor girl...I know sometimes I am TOO HARD on her-she is just a kid, and it's not her fault she's the oldest of so many. She is a big help to me, but yes, I definitely know where you're coming from..and sometimes Todd looks at me, too, like what's the deal? We do try to work together...we both want the best for our kids!
I would say that, in our experience, the parent being harder on the particular child has, most often, ultiamtely been justified in their position.
For example, if Veronica thinks I'm being hard on Miguel, it usually doesn't take long for facts/evidence to come out that causes her to agree with the position I'm taking. And conversely, when Veronica's being hard on Karizma, it usually doesn't take long for me to see that the circumstances fully warrant the hard line she is taking.
The key, as has been said here, is for the parents to ALWAYS present a unified front to the children, and if there are any disagreements or concerns about a parenting or discipline decision, to discuss that in private. (And that refers not only to actual statements of disagreement or contradiction in front of the children, but also looks to the children [the "Don't worry, I'll take care of it" look], mutterings under one's breath, rolling of eyes, sighs, etc. Kids have an amazing ability to pick up on everything, no matter how small or subtle.)
Of course, as sinners, we fall short of this ideal from time to time. But it's definitely a critical goal to strive for.
I seem to be a bit opposite from you on this one. I'm much harder on my son than my daughter. I constantly second guess discipline with my little girl. I fear "Screwing her up" so often. I don't want her to look back at her childhood with bad memories. It doesn't bother me with my son so much. I think a psychologist would tell me it's because I'm afraid to be a parent like my parents were to me. Maybe that's true, but I didn't have horrible abusive parents or anything. More than anything, I think it's just a matter of wanting to foster a good, trusting relationship with my daughter. I don't really have that with my mom, so that gets projected on to my little one way too often. This was a great, thought provoking post.
Me? I never manipulate... I was just... well... the perfect child... I mean i never whined or complained or got spank-... ::CRASH:: Ahem... ladies and gentlemen, to my horror and displeasure a catostrophe just occured, a young lady by the name of Elisa Reyes was just struck by lightning 10 minutes past 4... please stand by for more news...
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