The Hidden Desire Of My Heart

Just under 2 weeks ago my sister in law, Susan, gave birth to my beautiful little nephew.  The birth of this sweet little one, brought on so many familiar emotions, like joy, elation, excitement.  I am a 'Tia' 15 times over!  However, I was unprepared for one emotion I had never encountered before.  It was so foreign to me, that I can't even put a name to it. Just thinking of it now, gives me butterflies and humbles me.  It changed my heart in such a big way, that I knew I had to blog about it,  because I didn't want to forget this moment.


When Tim and I got married, I couldn't wait to have a baby with him. It was a yearning in me, that ran very deep.  We waited 11 months before it finally happened, and found out on 1st anniversary about our sweet baby.  The joy was overwhelming!  We shared with anyone willing to listen that we were about to have our first child together.  


Just after I found out I was pregnant, my little brother, Manny, had just returned from Afghanistan.  His first tour.  We were so proud of him and honored by his sacrifice, that Tim and I agreed that if we were to have a son, we wanted Manny to name him.  He pulled a little paper out of his wallet.  It had a list of baby names he loved and would write down for when he would have children of his own.  (He was single at the time.)  Isn't this about the sweetest thing you have ever heard?  At the top of his list he had the name ELIJAH.  He chose it for us.  I declined telling him it was supposed to be for his son.  He insisted.  So, Elijah became engraved on my heart, even though I had no idea what gender my baby was, at that point.  Not more than a few weeks later, we found out that our long anticipated baby, was no more.  I had miscarried.  Probably around the same time we were finding out and I had no idea.  It was devastating, to say the absolute least.  I questioned God, quietly.  Why was this happening? 


Tim reminded me that our baby was with Jesus.  I pictured him/her in Amanda's arms, my sister that had passed away just 3 years earlier.  Tim and I felt so strongly that although we had never had the privilege of seeing this precious child's face, this was still our child, and this child deserved a name.  Without a second thought, we knew this child was to be ELIJAH.  Putting a name to this baby helped my grieving process, and helped me to be able to talk about my experience.  It has given me opportunities to share with others about the hope we have in Jesus and  being reunited with our unborn child.  It has been a balm to my soul as I think about the day I will finally hold him/her in my arms.


Fast forward a few years.  My brother met a beautiful girl and they got married.  As  most newly married couples do, they started to talk about baby names, and Susan told me how my brother had pulled out his list.  She was so sweet and considerate and asked me how I would feel if they still used the name Elijah.  I wanted to say the right thing, but took a minute to process it.  I spoke what was on my heart.  Of course, they could use the name.  It would be an honor.  Plus, I told her, every time I would say the name, it would bring my own Elijah to memory, which would be a sweet thing. 


I didn't give it much thought until the day my nephew was born.  They had already found out they were having a boy and shared his name, so I wasn't surprised that they had chosen Elijah.  I did find myself, towards the end of her pregnancy reminding my Mom, this is Elijah #2, because I was afraid that my unborn baby would be forgotten...but, still, it wasn't a raw emotion, just a reminder.  Then that sweet little boy was born.  I was sharing with friends about his birth and of course the question would come up, "What did they name him?"  Easy question.  Easy answer, right?  I had no idea who difficult it would be to utter this name out loud.  "Elijah."  My throat became weak.  My mind was spinning.  The weight of my heart overwhelmed me.  I truly couldn't bare the weight of having to hear this name out loud, and it not be because I was talking about my own child.  I found myself on my knees, in tears, grieving as deeply as I had, over 9 years before.  How my heart ached.  How my heart longed for this child.  It was about a 24 hour process.  But, just like the Word of God says:  

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

What great comfort God's Word brings to me!  He allowed me to grieve, once again, but then revealed some very amazing things to me.  It took the birth of my nephew, Elijah Israel, to bring me full circle.  I haven't even met this little cherub, but already, I can't quite explain, I am drawn to him and long to hold him.  Through this little one, not even more than a day old, God was healing my heart, which (I was not even aware), was still so deeply hurt.  


After those 24 hours, another friend asked about Susan.  I said it.  I said Elijah.  This time my heart sang.   My heart leaped.  I had a new perspective on my life: as a mother, wife, and child of God.  


Here is what God showed me.  


When Tim and I were first married, I yearned for a child.  My heart was wrapped in this Godly desire to have another baby.  However, after Elijah, the pregnancies started to happen so fast and close together, that I started to take the ease of getting pregnant for granted.  How  sad that makes me today.  


Now, Tim and I are facing the longest time, as a couple, without a pregnancy.  When people would ask if I wanted another baby before this, I would always answer, "I'll be happy if it happens, and happy if it doesn't."  I was trusting in God's will over my life....right?  The birth of my nephew made me examine my heart.  It wasn't pretty.  I had allowed myself to start believing my own lies.  I asked God to forgive me.  I begged Him.  I cried out in shame at my self righteousness and what a glorious thing it is to receive God's undeserved mercy and grace.  It covered me.  Went through me.  Through every pore of me.  Praise God!


God showed me something so big.  I had been pushing my desire for more children down, way down, to the pit of my heart.  I was afraid to face that desire, because of what others may think.  I mean, come on!  I already have a 1/2 dozen.  Wouldn't that be more than enough for anyone?  Well, I am content with the children I have.  I am SO blessed!  However, I still do yearn to have more children!  I still do have a longing to be pregnant and give birth and nurse and raise more arrows for the kingdom of God!  This is a godly desire!  Why had I been ashamed to come to terms with it?  Why was I allowing myself to be deceived about the desires of my heart?


Fear.


Plain and simple. 


But, that is another post, entirely.


This post is about my realization of how God worked this all for good in me.  (Romans 8:28)  If I hadn't gone through that miscarriage, I wouldn't be going through this experience of refinement.  Humility.  Awe of God and His holy power.  I wouldn't be appreciative of godly desires He has placed on my heart.  Yes, that HE has placed on my heart!  Everything was coming full circle, and God used my newborn nephew, to show me.  He wanted me to face my desires and not allow my fear of them, to have me chained down any longer!  

Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Psalm 37:3-6

That day, I decided I would share my desire with someone.  Still dealing with a little fear, ok a lot of fear, I felt that the one person that wouldn't judge me, would be my 2 year old.  I talked about a baby brother or sister (She said sister), and asked her to pray.  I was still too raw to do it myself.  What a sweet prayer from this child.  Then, I got more bold and shared with Tim that night. He must be the best husband on this planet.  I am truly blessed by this man.  Then, I shared with my Mom and I shared with my friend, Tamara.  I started to become more and more aware of  my deep rooted desire for another child, and little by little that fear is being chipped away.  

I may never become pregnant again.  I don't know God's will over my life.  But, I know He delights in my desire for more children.  God's Word likens children to:  rewards, gifts, heritage, inheritance!  How could my desire for more, not be from Him??!


So, my heart is now open, exposed.  He knew this all along.  It took one little baby from 9 years ago, whose face is still unseen to me, and another baby here on earth, to bring me to my knees in humility.  What a wonder filled thought!  To know He is so mindful of me, that he would use 2 babies to do this!  


"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires He creates." -Amy Carmichael, missionary 


Thank you, Lord for helping me come to experience this desire again.  I had forgotten how exciting it is to wait on you in this area.  I had forgotten how sweet the anticipation of wondering tastes.  I had forgotten how the longing for another child made me long for my husband's touch in a way that is all from you.  I had forgotten you in this process.  Forgive me, Father.  Help me to come to terms with my fears, Lord.  Thank you for my sweet Elijah in heaven.  Thank you for little Elijah here on earth. In Jesus' Holy name, Amen. 


Meaning of Elijah-The Lord is my God!